8 Situations When You Should Keep Your Mouth Shut
1. It would likely offend someone,
without having any realistic possibility either of resolving the
situation or improving the relationship. You may genuinely care about
the person, or the relationship may be truly important to you
(pragmatically or otherwise). So there’s no good reason to risk
alienating them by being more candid about, or negatively evaluative of,
their behavior than they can handle emotionally. Some people are kind,
loyal, and supportive, but also quick to take offense and highly
reactive to criticism. Other people's rigidity makes it virtually
impossible for them to appreciate a differing viewpoint. So it’s just
foolish to say something that would only distress them and accentuate
the differences between you. If these individuals say or do something
that bothers you, it’s generally best to try to overlook it and,
internally, find a way to resolve your immediate frustrations with them rather than confronting them directly.
2. It would hurt their feelings.
If you want to act in a way that’s tactful, considerate, and caring,
you certainly don’t want to make a gratuitous comment on another
person’s, say, “bad hair day.” Even if they specifically request
feedback on their appearance, it’s only charitable to minimize how their
hair looks and focus on what in their self-presentation is more
becoming. If they turn out to have a strong
self-image,
you’ll have that much more latitude to respond frankly, but at first it
makes sense to ponder how answering candidly might affect them. The
same rule holds true if someone has said something naive, misinformed,
self-contradictory, etc. Would it simply hurt the person—and your
relationship—to simply utter the first words that come to mind, without
first considering the negative impact your response might have?
My
advice might seem to echo the platitude, “It’s better not to say
anything if you have nothing nice to say.” But the reluctance to speak
out to avoid hurting another’s feelings really isn’t about
suppressing your expression—which, generally, I
don’t recommend.
It’s about not needlessly, imprudently, or harshly responding to
someone who has acted in a way that, in the moment, has made you
uncomfortable.
3. It would make you seem defensive, closed-minded, or even cantankerous.
If
someone is offering you constructive criticism, it may be important to
put your ego aside and conscientiously evaluate the legitimacy of their
viewpoint. In such cases, it’s much better to remain silent, listen
attentively, and only then give a response (if at all). Whether, in the
end, you agree with their unfavorable appraisal or not, it’s still in
your best interest to open-mindedly assess its validity. For while you
may be reluctant to hear it, what they have to say might still
potentially be beneficial. If you
can’t resist the immediate
impulse to defend yourself, you may miss out on a valuable opportunity
to learn something important about yourself.
4. It would only further intensify someone’s anger.
When someone is far too fired up to listen rationally to anything you
might say, it’s worse than useless to respond to them. Any response will
probably be premature and serve only to make matters worse because it’s
likely to be experienced as an interruption, as though you’re not
really listening or taking the person seriously. In such cases—if
there’s to be any hope of ultimately resolving the situation—it’s
essential to devote all your attention to hearing someone out and giving
them every chance to fully air their grievances. Only then might they
be open to hearing your contrasting viewpoint, or interpretation.
It’s
also essential to avoid any knee-jerk, defensive reaction that will
probably only heighten the person's animosity. When you realize that the
other person is clearly overreacting, the best thing to do is stay
present and mindful, look at them directly (non-evasively), and fully
attend to what they’re so vehemently saying. That way, you’ll optimize
the chance that, feeling heard by you, they’ll eventually calm down.
Then,
and only then, does it make sense—gingerly—to express your alternative perspective.
Besides, you may need to calm
yourself down
during such a confrontation. The person may be saying accusatory things
that feel not simply exaggerated, but unjust and even abusive. Such
self-soothing will help you to read between their impassioned lines and
get a better sense of how they may, deep down, have been hurt by
whatever you did or said. Not that you necessarily intended to hurt the
person, but what you did may have (perhaps unconsciously) reminded them
of some past experience that's still negatively charged for them. If, on
the other hand, you impulsively react to them
without understanding something of the dynamic behind their vocal ferocity, such a response may only worsen the situation.
5. It would only intensify your own anger.
Following your impulse to attack a person who just upset
you
is only likely to exacerbate things. Emotions—not just anger, but
anxiety and depression—are best kept at moderate levels. When they start
to become really pronounced, your better judgment may be seriously
compromised and you can react in ways you’ll later regret. Better to
hold your tongue and do whatever is required to calm yourself—deep,
abdominal breathing; mindfulness meditation; progressive muscle relaxation; visualization, etc.—than blindly follow an impulse to retaliate against the person who provoked you.
It’s
simply impossible to respond judiciously in circumstances where you’re
feeling so disturbed that you’re on the verge of “losing it." Carefully
monitor what’s going on inside you: Can you feel your face beginning to
flush? Your heart rate rising? Your hands beginning to tremble or shake?
Your stomach fluttering like a butterfly? Or perhaps you're
experiencing a thunderous, whole-body energy surge? These are all clues
that your emotions are threatening to overtake your logical faculties.
Take a deep breath and endeavor to evaluate the rationality of what’s
going on between your ears.
6. It would dignify—or give credence to—some spiteful individual's degrading of you.
There’s
no good reason to respond to anyone whose prime motive is to taunt you.
When, out of hostility or malice, another person stridently attacks
something you said or wrote, responding to their verbal venom may give
their words an authority they hardly deserve. The familiar expression,
“I won’t dignify that with a response," applies here. Most third parties
would grasp that you avoided reacting to someone else's comment not
because their defamation was righteous but because what they said hardly
warranted a response. Internet snipers, for example, can hurt you only
with your consent. Ironically, your power in these situations comes from
ignoring their rhetorical jabs. In most instances, you’re in no way
obliged to respond to belligerent, non-constructive criticism. If
someone is gratuitously attacking your character, it’s senseless to try
to defend yourself or to sneer back at them. The best way to settle the
matter is through silence, which leaves yourself much less open to
further onslaughts.
7. It could lead you to engage with someone whose goal is to ensnare you.
When
someone baits you into an unwinnable verbal duel, it's probably because
it affords them the perverse gratification of acting out their
contentious, argumentative predilections. If you get into the ring, it’s
virtually guaranteed that a TKO will ensue—that is, stooping to their
level is already a defeat. As Mark Twain said, “Never argue with stupid
people. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with
experience.” If someone has
already prodded you into responding to them, and is pushing for a second round, it’s wise
to cut your losses and call it quits, recognizing that they’re only
goading you to partake in an ongoing exercise in futility—or
foolishness. Such bullying is best ignored, especially if they’re only indulging in mudslinging to feed illusions of being stronger or superior to others.
8. It could reinforce a behavior that needs to change.
To
close in a completely different direction, when young children have a
tantrum, this is their way of getting attention (however negative) or
manipulating a situation to get their way. With few exceptions, it’s
typically best not to react to such unruly behavior (in preschoolers or
adults) but, tactically, to ignore it, especially since an active
response might inadvertently
strengthen the impulse. Children
need to learn how to deal with the inevitable frustrations of life. If
their acting out of control yanks your chain to the point that you defer
to them, you’re actually “teaching” them to act that way to maximize
the odds that they’ll get what they want. And that’s hardly in your—or
their—best interests.
